“Marriage ends up as a hopeful, generous, infinitely kind gamble taken by two people who don’t know yet who they are or who the other might be, binding themselves to a future they cannot conceive of and have carefully avoided investigating.”
1. Relationships. Why you will marry the wrong person? (or how not to?)
Studies show a botched decision on choosing a life partner reduces quality of life. This article by British philosopher Allain de Botton explores the forces that lead us into making the ‘wrong’ choice of marriage partner. His description of marriage or its intention is very apt (below) and sets the stage for a delightful unfurling of the facets of this long term personal commitment.
The choice of a marriage partner has evolved from being based on pure logistical concerns to now what is described as “marriage of feeling”. Unfortunately, this has led to an unhelpful romanticization of marriage. The author therefore cautions that this philosophy must be sacrificed and replaced by a cheerful pessimism/realism. Overall, it is extremely instructive on the subject of choice for marriage.
This wonderful two part explainer on How to Choose a Life Partner is indispensable for anyone contemplating the same. Despite being widely researched, it is aided by simple language and interesting graphics. I find myself returning to mine it for lessons on decision of a life partner. The series first of all illuminates the constraints to optimal decision making, mostly as a result of the collective psychology of society, our biology, and their intersection. Importantly, it follows by helping us build healthy perspective, for instance, the author advises:
The article contains several of these practical gems that offer a useful framework for systemizing the decision on marriage.
“So if we want to find a happy marriage, we need to think small — we need to look at marriage up close and see that it’s built not out of anything poetic, but out of 20,000 mundane Wednesdays”.
2. Reflection: The writing on the wall & willful ignorance
The Writing on The Wall idiom originates from a Biblical Story in which, in the presence of the king at the feast of Belshazzar, a disembodied hand appears and writes on the palace wall, ‘Mene, Mene, Tekel, Upharsin’ which Daniel translated as a message that God had doomed the Kingdom of Belshazzar . This writing preceded the Kingdom’s swift collapse and brought an abrupt end to the reign of the King.
This mythical intervention of the hand with its written message is analogous to our own gut instinct which acts as an early warning signal, filling us with sense of foreboding, meant to spur action.
The action is often compromised by the well-worn practice of willful ignorance, which by definition refers to those who lack the information or facts because they *refuse* to acknowledge them. That is a vulnerable place to be.
It is crucial then that we manufacture the strength to act decisively in our interest when the facts are laid bare, lest we end up worse off, for ignoring the blatantly obvious.
3. ‘Who you could be?’ & the burden of ‘The God who loves you’
“The thought that I might have become someone else is so bland that dwelling on it sometimes seems fatuous,” Andrew H. Miller.
The uniquely human ability to conjure imaginary non-existent scenarios is a blessing and a curse. Used wrongly, it burdens us with the nightmarish fiction of the many unrealized outcomes from paths we did not follow. This brilliant article — What If You Could Do It All Over (The Uncanny Allure of Our Unlived Lives) by Historian, Joshua Rothman in a richly detailed way, thoroughly looks at historical attempts to study the phenomenon of our yearning for alternative lives, seen in our ill-advised skepticism of the seemingly arbitrary and confining reality of the lives we actually inhabit, as well as the counterintuitive mental exercise of pursuing the elusive possibility of living another life, hoping we can find the antidote to pondering or desiring different lives. He writes-
“We long to stop longing, but we also wring purpose from that desire.”
This dense effort can cure the malady of circular escapism from our lives.
For further anchoring, read the play titled The God Who Loves You by Carl Denis as a playfully satirical rejoinder, where he sympathizes with: ‘The god who loves you, Who has the trouble of having to ponder how much happier you’d be today , Had you been able to glimpse your many futures’
As Lord Tennyson wrote in the Poem Ulysses “That which we are, we are”. I suggest that we Hold onto that.
4. The Road to Renewal
Fatigue is an emblem of the servitude imposed by the oppressive standards of capitalism. It has dominated our working and seeped into our personal lives. We are dispassionate robots energized by a grid outside our own control. We don’t learn or grow through our own desire or agency. We exist.
In 1990, John Gardner delivered a speech entitled ‘Self Renewal’ to Mckinsey on the theme of ‘Personal Renewal. He opens with a wonderful anecdote to illustrate the fear riddled inaction of the defeated corporate worker.
“Not long ago, I read a splendid article on barnacles. I don’t want to give the wrong impression of the focus of my reading interests. Sometimes days go by without my reading about barnacles, much less remembering what I read. But this article had an unforgettable opening paragraph. “The barnacle” the author explained “is confronted with an existential decision about where it’s going to live. Once it decides…it spends the rest of its life with its head cemented to a rock..” End of quote. For a good many of us, i
t comes to that.
We’ve all seen men and women, even ones in fortunate circumstances with responsible positions who seem to run out of steam in midcareer.
The balance of the speech offers rousing encouragement which addresses work, its meaning and the drawn out battle against complacency. It has the potential to reinvigorate our work lives.
5. LISTEN TO: Jesus Is Born- Sunday Service Choir.
Kanye West is a flawed genius, but his ability to create, is universally recognized as peerless. This will elevate you. Good for a quiet morning or evening wind down. Better enjoyed when sober.
